Cant wrap your head around a NEGATIVE FEEDBACK? Here is everything you need!

A few Days ago I got feedback from my leaders that something is off about the way I have been working. You know, the feedback that starts with “Can I be honest?” and we get the feeling of what's coming, all of us at one point or the other get feedback on not doing things up to our potential.

I am really glad I work in an amazing organization where things does not work like “this is how we are going to do things now” but “make a plan and let me know what works best for you” biggest of all “How can we help?” and it's just great. But we do not understand the value of it while we are in that conversation and sometimes don't understand the value of it weeks later from when we got the feedback. Since this was a new emotional experience, I got a bad feedback after a good long time, and as much as I needed it to do better , I reacted to it (at least in my head) like most of us, you know the sound when someone is telling you how you messed up or not been up-to the mark and you here “whaaaat..!!” , “that's not true…” , “you know what… (followed by a statement we most of the time regret)” . This is exactly the same thing that happened to me. Thanks to all the learning, books and meditation I was just aware that feedback is the truth visible on the other side. If I cannot absorb or accept it at the moment I should register it in my memory, so I can look at it later. While we are always learning, feedback is the backbone of growth. While I was going through the emotional turmoil, I learnt and realized a few things about feedback, practiced a few ways which can not only help me humbly accept the feedback but work on it as well.

The Stages (what we do) :

1. Stage 1 - Really ?

2. Stage 2 - Blame

3. Stage 3 - Questioning the process

4. Stage 4 - Taking it as a personal attack

5. Stage 5 - Lashing out

What we should Do:

1. Be Quiet, listen

2. Check your ego

3. Acknowledge your feelings and ask for time

4. Accept or acknowledge

5. Make a Plan

6. Hold someone or yourself accountable

The stages (what we do) :

1. Stage 1- Really? I believe, everytime we get negative feedback, somewhere in the back of our head we know this is coming, right? But still we choose to behave as if we were not aware and the sound of our head turns into”REALLLYYY???!!” , “what?.... But I was doing everything right” or “They were seriously small mistakes” . One thing we should know is, till the time we are making the mistakes they seem rare (when they are constant) ,they seem small/inconsequential mistakes, till the time we are making it(mistake is a mistake) .

2. Stage 2 - Blame Everyone, does it, for every mistake we make in our life there is a reason, which is definitely something not controlled by us, Right? Haha… I know. What we do, at least in our head is, give blame for the moment to anyone but us, maybe it's the construction work going on in your house, or may be your girlfriend started a new job and she is not able to give you enough time, or may be the person giving the feedback - “why did you not tell me earlier?” . Anything but us, all we want is to blame someone or something.

3. Stage 3- Questioning the process Now that our brain has officially told our ego to feel hurt, its time to react, because most of the feedbacks at least in the official world are backed by facts and instances, and our ego when cannot win with the facts it question the process how the facts were collected, it yells “do you even know the whole story” and then we blame and question the process of feedback generation, the team, leadership and the company itself.

4. Stage 4 - Taking it as a personal attack They definitely don't like me or maybe they are jealous of me. These are the kind of thoughts that we crawl in your head, saying that this is a planned personal attack. People of the group don't like me, and are trying to gang up on me.
   

5. Stage 5 - Lashing out During the feedback session if our ego is not able to handle it we end up saying a statement that starts with “you know what…… “ or “anyway, from now on I will……” . After we receive the feedback, we prefer choosing the corner, gossip about the leadership or peers, we prefer not talking, we prefer not to be nice, not to contribute and seek attention and eventually make things worse.

What we should do :

1. Be Quiet, listen: This is not just for feedback scenarios, but for any scenario in life, we sometimes don't listen to hear, We listen to respond. So when someone is talking or telling us something meaningful about yourself which can be a feedback you are finding hard to stand, force yourself to stay quiet and listen. I have realized sometimes when we are engaged in something our ego cannot stand, we keep magnifying the magnitude, we change the words and tone of the other person in our heads, the idea is listen to every word they say, register, if not accept, acknowledge.
   

2. Check your ego: Everytime our ego gets hurt we automatically start taking things personally, that means feeling ,”they are doing this to me intentionally”, “they are enjoying it” , “before they fire me, I am going to quit” . Everytime our ego gets involved our fight or flight mechanism gets activated. That's for every situation. So, keep a check on your ego, it is not personal .
   

3. Acknowledge your feelings and ask for time and help: Acknowledging the feelings is the most important part, not only in the moment but after the moment has passed, the next day or sometimes everyday till the time you are feeling not so good about that conversation. Here is what I suggest, if in the moment you feel flooded with thoughts and emotions, ask the person to take a 15-60 mins break from that conversation and catch up again, in those 15-60 mins not only you will get the time to breath and accept it, but when you resume the conversation you will start seeing it from a different angel.
   

4. Accept or acknowledge: By the end of the session you need to acknowledge and accept that yes, you made a mistake and are courageous to stand tall and say you will improve, this not only shows a forward attitude but also displays character and courage.
   

5. Make a Plan: Here is what I did: I asked my Manager who is really sweet and made my feedback session into a session of help. She kept acknowledging the fact that this may happen with anyone and improvement is the goal, not only showed absolute faith in me and promised support but asked me to come up with a plan for my own success. I agree everyone cannot be like my manager, but it's okay to voice out and ask for a timeline to come up with a plan for yourself and discuss it, even in cases where your parents or partner is giving you the feedback , this is the key, step back, make a plan, and move forward.
   

6. Hold someone or yourself accountable : We all know, Tracking progress is the key to success and numbers never lie . Now that you have come up with a plan you need to follow through it, since, you are getting a feedback which is not very favorable to yourself, ask any of your friends, peers or your managers to own accountability of your progress, report to them the progress you are making, use spreadsheets to track progress and goals, ask for regular feedbacks from people you believe will give you honest and unbiased feedbacks.
   

In the end, it's okay, everyone has bad days, weeks, sometimes months. And its natural for those bad days reflect on your work and your personal life, and it's fine, till the time you are ready to accept, stand up and keep moving forward. Stick to your success schedule on your low days, wake up on the right time, don't skip gym, don't skip meals, don't skip your meditations, these are tools you have been practicing for the bad days so they cushion every blow life throws your way. Thank you! #Accept

Here is a link to my Instagram Account- Thefriendlypsycho_