5 things you did not know about emotions, and how to control them!

We think, each of us, that we're much more rational than we are. And we think that we make our decisions because we have good reasons to make them. Even when it's the other way around. We believe in the reasons, because we've already made the decision. - Daniel Kahneman

1. Understanding the basics

2. The Two way street- Actions & Emotion

3. Acknowledging the Anxious feelings

4. 11 things you can do to identify and work on your feeling

5. Do not put yourself in the center of everything

Understanding the basics

We tend to believe and keep reassuring ourselves that we are in control, that our actions are driven purely by our logic and understanding of the situation, that we know what is right and what is wrong. But it’s still so difficult to do the right thing.Why is that….

Bad things make you feel better before you do them.

Good things make you feel better after you do them.

Getting ready for a party feels fun, but coming back home wasted is not…

Getting ready for Meditation/gym is Difficult.. But coming home with a Stronger body or a peaceful mind is great…

What is it that drives our actions? Is it our emotions? Or is it our actions that drive our emotions?

Well, it’s both, its a chain reaction that happens with mindset as a catalyst.

To be honest, this topic cannot be covered enough, even if you read or write 100 books about it. Reason- emotions are something you feel that you have complete control of but it’s an illusion. Everyone perceives controlling or embracing emotions in many different ways.

Shoma Morita created a revolutionary purpose-centered therapy in Japan. Which is proven to be very effective for the treatment of neurosis, OCD, and PTSD. Her Therapy runs around the fact : the feelings we experience are natural responses to life circumstances.

In western culture, we tend to believe that - what we think influences how we feel, which in turn influences how we act. In contrast, Morita therapy focuses on teaching patients to accept their emotions without trying to control them, since their feelings will change as a result of their actions.

I believe it’s not mandatory to manage your emotions and actions just one way. You can incorporate multiple techniques to handle different emotions and actions.

The Two way street- Actions & Emotion

Let’s break it down in two phases and then train your mind to act accordingly. 1) your emotions should be driving the action and

2) sometimes your actions should be driving the emotions

In any situation where you are filled with emotions like- empathy, sympathy, kindness, and love, in those situations, I believe it is okay to let your emotions drive your actions.

Because every time you feel like doing something good for the world, those feelings will fuel your positive emotions and those emotions will help you take those kind actions over and over again.

As everyone knows there is no way you will feel bad after doing something good.

However, in situations where you feel excited, angry, agitated, or stressed. Never let your emotions drive your actions.

What you should do is first acknowledge the fact that you are feeling this way. Then try and figure out what productive things you can do to make yourself feel better.

Note: Being a smoker in the past I know it feels like having a smoke every time you feel any of the above emotions is the answer, don’t worry I am going to cover how to quit smoking and how I did it doing my own research and experiments.

Acknowledging the Anxious feelings

Every time when I feel frustrated or Anxious the first thing I do is acknowledge the fact I am feeling that way, and If I am not able to shake it just by acknowledging it. The first thing I do is let the friends/family present with me in the same space know how I am feeling and I stay honest that I am working on feeling better by taking certain measures. I agree it's not possible to always being able to share what is troubling you but its right to just share that “I am feeling off today, please give me some time to figure this out”.

If I need personal space I request them to give me some space to figure this out.

Now if you see yourself saying this 3 times a day to your friends/family, in that case, I believe personal space is not going to cut it. You need to speak up about your feelings to someone or yourself. You can do this by recording audio or journaling or talking to yourself in the mirror, it works life magic. I encourage you to try it once before you disregard it.

11 things you can do to identify and work on your feeling

Now that we know that a lot of time our actions are the absolute results of what we are feeling. Let’s try and break it down, and see how one can identify and work on the things you are feeling:

• Identify and address what you are feeling if you are feeling angry, agitated, irritated, stressed.

• If you are feeling any of the above things and you are doing something important workwise or personally, the first thing I would advise is to stop doing it and address what you are feeling first. If it's urgent at least take a 5 minute walk and you shift your focus on the things you are working on . Trust me no important work is done well in a disturbed state of mind.

• Now that you are not doing anything, take a deep breath, get your brain some oxygen it needs, stretch out a little, if you have a mirror in your room just go and take a look at yourself and smile and take a few more breaths.

• Tell yourself that you can handle this.

• Put your phone aside, and go outside for a walk or sit on your lawn or balcony distance (for a moment to get your brain the space and time it needs to refocus) yourself from the situation and thoughts for a moment by focusing on things like trees, birds, mountains, or people, if you can see some kids (or your kid/s) playing, just go there, if not play with them, just sit there and watch.

• Why I did not suggest meditating in point 5 is because I myself agree that when the temper is high it is difficult to put a lid on it and meditation is the lid of positivity which is difficult to build at that point.

Note: Many studies show that to counter one negative thought you need to have up to 5 positive thoughts. FYI on average, every person has up to 50,000 thoughts a day so 5 positive thoughts should not be so difficult to find.

• After spending 14-21 minutes in that space where you are distancing yourself from the situation and focusing on something else, now you are ready, you have had the breather you needed to deal with your emotions again

• If possible with closed eyes or in a quiet room, with some good music of your choice, try and backtrack to a place where you were feeling better than how you are feeling at that moment. Note: personally i choose “meditation music” because it has frequency and vibrations that can help change the aura of the place you are sitting at

• While backtracking your thoughts, if you are doing it with closed eyes, try to take deep breaths to inhale from your nose and exhale from your mouth, and you will identify one or more reasons why you are feeling anxious.

• If this is something related to one particular action/situation or something someone said, just try and think about it, why would they have said it? What I personally do is as soon as I have identified the root cause of the feeling, I write down the whole thing or just a keyword that’s gonna help me remember what it is, and take a break of 5 mins. Trust me you are already feeling better. Most of the time not knowing why you are irritated is more irritating than the reason itself.

• If it’s someone who is your family/friend/colleague try and understand why they did or said it. If you think you do not feel right about it. Calm yourself and talk to them about how you are feeling, this will make you feel so much better and with some rest, you will be fresh as new.

I know when you are feeling all those negative things, the above 11 points feel like bullcrap. But with regular practice you will feel that your negative emotions are not driving you anymore. You have the power to address them and then defuse them step by step.

Remember- good things make you feel better after they are done.

Do not put yourself in the center of everything

One quote I absolutely live by- “The day you accept the fact-

You can never be the hero of everyone’s story,

That is the day, you can start living as the hero of your own story”

This means; thinking that people are doing things to you intentionally is not right. Just remember you are not the center of their life, they have their own lives and issues to deal with so there is a very high chance that they are not even aware that you are feeling angry because of their actions and words.

In the coming blogs I will be sharing how I Meditation changed my life, and How silence is also a way a communication... stay tuned.