Why NOT EXPECTING is the wrong expectation!! (everything you need to know)
- Shobhit Khandelwal
- Oct 21, 2022
- 14 min read
Shakespeare said, Expectations is a root of all the heartache
Buddha Said, Peace begin when expectations end
This is in a way a truth of life, and I completely agree with both of them. But at the end of the day expectations is something which keeps us happy and make us feel successful at work or in our personal or social life.
In a way its a thermostat of measuring success. I believe its not a practically or humanly possible not to expect anything from any one and be able to live a life collectively in a world which is so connected today in litrelly every way.
Dont you think, not expecting is itself a wrong expectation we keep trying to set with ourself.
However, I am not saying that expecting is key to anything, expectations(at times) are no doubt key to headache and heartache. Definitely it gives you a great sense of peace and joy when you don't expect something, like winning an unexpected Starbucks gift card worth 1000 dollars. Ahh.. how beautiful that day would be even if you are not a coffee lover.
What I am saying is, balancing the expectations in different segments and with different people in life is crucial to happiness and success.
Whats more important is , keeping a conscious bias if what you are expecting is reasonable enough or sometimes, is it even justified?
This blog is divided in 4 elements:
1) Expectations with others
Expecting no one will understand:
Everyone has a bad Moment, a bad day, a bad week and sometimes even worse bad month/s. No matter how much we deny it, not matter how much positivity we seek or actively engage with, we cannot deny the fact that bad days are part of life and will be. What makes a difference is how we deal with them.
So, how does, expectations play a role in your bad days?
We always have that one person in our life, or sometimes we are that person ourself who have reason to believe that there problem is one of a kind and no one, absolutely no one will understand.
In a way we are setting expectations with everyone around us that they are just incapable of understanding it. But is it really the case?
Sometimes yes, No one around you will be able to understand what you are going though. But that doesn't mean absolutely no one can understand. Expectations are not tied to people, expectations are always tied to yourself and your thoughts.
When your self-talk becomes “No one can understand” you are potentially closing all the doors to make yourself feel better and in your subconscious you create a place where you wanna feel hurt or bad, and so deep down in that turmoil wherein you do not want anyone to understand.
What we actually feel in that moment is that any one with whom we try to share it, magically understands your pain and gives you a solution to deal with it. But that's not practically possible.
To expect empathy, that means for people to understand what you are feeling one has to be vulnerable and be able to speak the pain not the words.
But as I said above, YES! SOMETIMES NO ONE IS ABLE TO UNDERSTAND , may be its because you are not in a state where in you are verbally capable of explaining it.
What should you do in those situations:
To begin with, Know what you are feeling, Sometimes we do not even know what we are feeling and we tend to react, maybe it is multiple things. Maybe its something you saw on your instagram feed that took you to the rock bottom, maybe something triggered your deep insecurity or emotion. Or maybe a loved one said something so true you could not bear the honesty. It happens with everyone. But the key is to identify : What you are feeling? Why you are feeling it? What can you do to feel better?
It literally is that simple, I am gonna say this in a lot of my blogs : “SImple things are not always easy” anyone can do this but its the patience and courage to own that moment and rather than reflecting outside , try and introspect what you are feeling, once you have figured that out, write it down, and than move to WHY of your feelings, repeat...write it down. And then think what can you do to fix it. Ask yourself, will behaving this way make you or anyone else feel better? You will always get an answer to this as a NO. Start from there and you will find yourself taking the rigtht steps if not taking the steps at least thinking about it.
Expecting everyone to understand OR "Why doesn't anyone understand me?"
I personally feel that this is worse than “No one will understand”. But this is something that we all become victims of from time to time.
If you distance yourself from all the chain of thoughts that you get when you see the word “Why doesn't anyone understand me” popping in your head and realize that almost all the time when we get this feeling, we find ourselves trying to put our problems in the center of everyone's life especially without trying to communicate effectively about it.
We set no expectations and boundaries about how we are reacting and more importantly why we are reacting.
What we actually expect from everyone not related and related to the cause of the problem is to magically understand. We stop reasoning ourself as to why is it that we are not showing up to work on time, why is it that we are not being naturally nice to everyone, why is it that we are trying so hard to get everyone’s attention.
It happens automatically that in our hearts we are pleading for anyone to ask “hey, is everything okay? You look off.“ and we just say “No! everything is fine!” and still get back to the same out of character behavior.
We have insecurities about being vulnerable and at the same time we expect them to understand. Almost everyone has been at this place especially in a relationship with their partners and oftentimes their families where we sometimes set a way higher standards of expectations of understanding.
I was like this for a very long time and in situations like these the more I needed people, the more I distanced myself from their help and care. Also, the more I tend to blame them for my problems.
If not checked properly “Why doesn't anyone understand me?” might become a trait of your personality. And it will trigger everytime something happens out of your scope of your happiness.
What should one do if these are feelings keep dictating you:
Practice meditation: When we meditate a lot of emotions flow right in front of us and after practicing meditation over a period of time you may actually see yourself acting and behaving the way you did. And from there you may question why you behave that way, and start the What , Why, What cycle of thoughts and reach a place of settling and understanding your impulse.
Brain dump! : In the moments when you want to talk to someone but you are physically not able to allow yourself to talk to anyone, my personal favorite is Journaling. It does not have to be rainbows and sunshine , just start writing down every thought, every word that comes in your mind , if you wanna curse literally everything around you I encourage you to let it out. Once it is done, close your eyes, feel and let every emotion that you are feeling come out. Then go ahead and read what you wrote, a lot of the problems that have been haunting and troubling you will lose their existence and meaning as soon as you read it.
Top 4 science backed benefits of Journaling: Benefit #1: Journaling Can Reduce Depression and Anxiety. Benefit #2: Journal Writing Can Help Boost Immune Function. Benefit #3: Journaling Helps Cultivate Gratitude. Benefit #4: Journaling Can Help With Recovery From Trauma.
Talk to someone: Most people would suggest that this should be ranked number one. When it can be one of the best ways to feel better and more comfortable. The goal is not to just feel better for the moment but to realize and take measures regularly to make yourself feel better everyday. I Cannot agree more, if you have someone in your life with whom you can share what you are going through, nothing is better than to communicate, and communicate effectively. Be vulnerable sometimes you feel like you need answers to your problems when they can be solved just by saying them out loud.
2) Expectations in Relationships:
I believe there are three levels of social Relationships we have The outside world, Your world i.e. your family and loved ones and the inside world that is yourself. Now that we have an understanding about what's happening in the outside world, it's important that we learn the value of expectations and how to set them in the inside world as well.
The Act of love: In almost all our relationships we tend to do really nice things for everyone, for our partners, for our family members, for our friends and colleagues. But it's very important to understand the intent and the feeling behind those things we do for them. I believe the key to a healthy relationship is not doing things without expectations, but it's crucial that, when we do something as an act of love, we should never set it as an expectation" Let me say that again: “when we do something as an act of love, we should never set it as an expectation"
What we do is, we do really nice things for our loved ones. Sometimes we go above and beyond to make ends meet. What we feel at that moment is “I love this person so much (friend, family, partner) it's okay for me to do all this” . But when we see that the other person is not reciprocating the same actions we tend to get upset about it. It's unjustified to expect them to reciprocate their feelings through the same kind of actions that you take. Reason - Yes! they never asked for it!
For you the act of love may be is running up to your boyfriend/girlfriend at 3:00 AM in the morning to pick them up at the airport or getting them nice gifts and enjoy how they get surprised.
Maybe their way is to cook a nice dinner or write a beautiful poem for you or giving you that warm hug everytime when you need it.
Expecting them to reciprocate love in the same way and actions that you do is the wrong expectations you are setting with them and yourself.
It does not end in your head, if in an argument if the conversation reaches to a place where you end up saying “i did “this/that” …. For you” . The thing that you did for your loved one, loses all its value right in that moment.
The most beautiful things that you do out of love are the ones they were never mentioned and never asked for, but you did them anyway because it's a calling of your heart and it just feels right not because you want someone to do it for you but because you want to do it for someone.
If you start running a tab of “Good/great/amazing things” you are doing for them it will not lead to anything but sour relationships.
Expecting them to value things the way you value:
I learnt this the hard way, a lot of times this happens with our partners.for example, We are very passionate about that soccer or cricket match, and you are the one buying custom made jerseys , so you can wear them while you want to enjoy that match. It's great! Where we fail is, we expect our partners to share the same emotion and attachment to that activity. There is nothing wrong with introducing them to the activity or the thing and give them the space and time to let it become their thing as well. Which you might eventually share as something you enjoy doing together, but expecting your loved ones to have the same passion and liking to activities you enjoy, just like you do, is highly unjustified. Another example is, lets say you are a person who loves playing video games on your PS5 or Xbox. It is unfair to expect them to tag along with you every time you do that,most of us are mature enough to not do this in real life but think about those small things we do.
Like, when you are on the long road trip and since you are a person who listens to EDM or Rock, its not fair to listen to EDM for hours and worse is, trying to get them to like it, when you know they are more a jazz kind of person. A lot of time we ignore these small details in our relationships. And sometimes it's not an act of love, it's about giving your loved ones space to find and enjoy the things they like or to help them find things they might like, and being graciously accepting when they don't enjoy something as much as you do.
3) Expectations with yourself:
How and what expectations we set with ourselves today is dictated by the experiences we had as children living in the shadow of our parents.
Parents who keep pushing the bar:
If your parents always saw your potential to be higher than the results you were getting in terms of your score cards or the athletic meets, and kept pushing the bar and rather than whole heartedly appreciating and congratulating you for what you have achieved always said “Honey, this is good but you could have done better”, in that case we keep seeing ourselves as a person who can always do better, I am not saying that's a wrong thing to think. I am saying that's the wrong way of setting expectations.
This does not lead you to safe space of positively pushing yourself to learn more but it pushes you more towards “This is not good enough” and when you start seeing everything as “this is not good enough” it makes you anxious about the results not the process. "I want more" is something that you want but you keep getting stuck at "This is not good Enough". Because “This is not good enough” will keep coming after you are done not while you are doing it. Let me say that again : “This is not good genough” will keep coming after you are DONE not while you are doing it” While it's very healthy to keep pushing the bar it's important how you do it. It's crucial that you value the results you have received , and acknowledge and appreciate the hard work, time and effort you have put in. if you still feel there is scope of improvement. Push it, learn and do better. thats how a person grow and feel more confident rather that being anxious . It is absolutely fine for your parents to choose to raise you this way. They did it because they learnt it from their parents (maybe) or maybe they actually saw more potential in you more then anyone else. But hereon you choose your own path, the path of learning rather then sweating and getting anxious about “this is not good enough” without the homework and research. Use that anxiousness as a harness and push that energy towards the work and not feeling as a failure while you are trying your best.
You are the reflection of the company you keep :
If it is okay for your friends to smoke a pack of cigarettes a day, if it's okay for your friends to not show up at work on time . No matter how much you resist it, eventually it feel okay for you to smoke a pack and not show up at work once in a while.
At the same time if you have friends who are gogetters and aim for the sky, you will start seeing sky as the limit. We all heard this several times - “your company defines you”. How does it play a crucial role in setting expectations with yourself? Our brain is very binary once we give it proof, it learns how to redo it, till the success rate of that proof fails. For example, for people who are addicted to shoplifting they don't realize it as a problem till they are caught. While we always feel that we are in control of our emotions most of the times it's our emotions controlling us, (give it a read: 5 things you did not know about emotions, and how to control them ) . While its not just us who set the example of right and wrong, it's not always us who set the limit of success, a lot of time its the success and failure of our company that designs and define how we perceive our success and failure and how we perceive our right and wrong. It is very crucial you depend on the right company, and while I know its not always possible to leave people it's better not to leave them forever. But leave them behind to make more friends and meet more people. You will always find people the way you are . People who do not do booze have a lot of friends who do not booze. People who booze have a lot of friends who booze. It's up to you what kind of people you want to be with its not a divine force that gets you to meet people, its you who decide whom to hang out with. You may not have the privlage to choose your family but you always have the choice to choose your friends. Its you, who define and decides your company.
Choose your media :
In the world of tiktok and Instagram, whilst we feel like we are choosing what we are seeing, these companies has splurged billions of dollars to make sure you get hooked.
Brain scans of students who used the app regularly revealed addiction-like responses, and some research subjects lacked enough self-control to stop watching. “If you are watching TikTok/reels for long periods of time, it may lead to problems with attention, concentration, and short-term memory.”
While I am not against social media, it's called a platform of success these days, and no doubt it is. It's crucial to gain control on how much time you are spending on these platforms every day.
I actively set a time limit of 25 mins a day for instagram, but its difficult to stop. I Know right! Good news is, our iPhones now have this feature where you can set a time limit on apps. If you dont know this, I would highly recommend taking out sometime and setup time according to your expectations, here is how you may do it on your iphone:
1) Go to Settings > Screen Time, then turn on Screen Time if you haven't already. 2) Tap App Limits, then tap Add Limit. 3) Select one or more app categories. 4) Tap Next, then set the amount of time allowed. 5) When you finish setting limits, tap Add. ***I am not asking to set this to 25 mins like me you may set it to 60 or 120, whats more important is setting expectations with yourself and sticking to it. Why stop at setting up time limit? Why not take one day and go into that following list and check the things and pages you follow and reflect on is this really something you are interested in ? If not, hit the unfollow button. Personal Tip: What I do is, the content i like and relate with, or the people i like or respect, I go into their "following" list and see what/who all are they following and start filtering thighs from there. Spend a day finding out content you love. If you are into technology, building, bodybuilding, art or anything, is it really worth spending hours watching those cat videos or those people dancing on the same song over and over again? Give yourself that reality check. Most of such posts revolve around Dopamine hits. More about How I did a dopamine detox for a week and what results i saw in the coming blogs.
4) How to make it better: Something I’ll say a lot is - "happiness is a practice that you do everyday" and to lead a happy life , it is crucial to lead a healthy life not just physically but mentally as well.
Here are a few takeaways to make it all better :
Give yourself examples of things you succeed at, keep them close to yourself. Keep reminding yourself that if you can do this you can do more.
James clear said in his book “Atomic habits" Prove it to yourself in small ways and you'll develop the confidence that you can improve.” In other words, small wins over time can lead to a growth mindset. If its impossible to go the gym, just manage to get there one day and on day two you’ll know how to get there. "Turn your ONE DAY into DAY 1.. "
Consistency, consistency, consistency. Disciplined people have way higher rate of achieving success then the ones who are super motivated. Motivation wears out habits dont. Keep doing the right things not because they are right, but because they are worth repeating
Set the right expectations, it's okay to say No to things that do not fall under your set of values.
Love the people around you not because you should, but because you have them and because they love you in their own beautiful ways.
Keep a constant check on how you are feeling, make journaling a thing, I encourage you to try it for a week and you will see a lot of problems will just lose meaning when you read those things again.
Learn meditation, it's a practice, start from one minute a day and increase it by one minute a day.
Most importantly : LOVE YOURSELF, APPRECIATE YOURSELF and BE KIND TO YOURSELF.
C you next week!
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